Understanding Fear
by RufflesAlaKimber
Summary: Martin and Louisa experience an emotional night together. Set before Louisa tells Martin she is going to move with him to London in 5x03
**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first Martin/Louisa fic! I hope you guys like it! Thank you to Sammi for reading it and letting me know what you think before I posted it for everyone else!**

He wouldn't cry. Not today, not tonight. Not when the baby cried or when Louisa did. He refused to let his emotions have that much control over him. Aunt Joan died of a heart attack at a decent age and it wasn't a shock. It was a product of her lifestyle. As a doctor, Martin knew that it was normal. He knew that many people with the same habits died the same way every day. This was no exception so he shouldn't be upset. He should be at peace with it in the same way that he is when any of his patients pass.

But at this moment, a quarter past 2 in the morning, with the baby finally quiet and Louisa snoring next to him, he felt overwhelmed. He felt like screaming and crying and questioning everything. He didn't understand how the one person he had always loved him could leave. Leave him with parents who didn't care and a life in flux. So much of his life was changing at once and he no longer had consistent support from the person he trusted most, the person who had taught him everything he knew about loving and caring and passion. The times he spent on the farm with Joan when he was younger were his warmest childhood memories. Those memories were the ones that made him feel the best about himself and made him understand what little he did about loving someone.

He rarely put into practice the things that his Aunt Joan had taught him but that didn't stop him from trying. He had tried with his parents as he aged and with Edith but neither brought positive results. He'd tried with Louisa over and over but it seemed he only knew how to push her away. Each failed attempt instilled the idea that emotions just got in the way.

Shifting his gaze from his hands towards the crib across the room, he sighed. Martin hadn't given much thought to his distance from people until he found out he was going to be a father. He never considered becoming a father possible for himself but when Louisa first handed him their son, he felt more joy than he ever had before. He knew the odds of him disappointing the boy were high and he feared it. Perhaps that was what made running to London easier for him. By never involving himself in his life, there was no way for Martin to directly ruin him. He wondered if Louisa thought the same and that's why she was reluctant to involve him when she first returned to Port Wenn. Maybe that's why she was allowing him to leave without a fight.

The thought of disappointing Louisa made the situation worse. He knew he already had let her down on multiple occasions and that's why there was no way for their relationship to work. In London, there was no way for him to bring her pain. She couldn't expect anything from him if he wasn't around.

There were many things he would miss when he went to London. The feeling of her warmth against him as they slept. Seeing her face light up when she held their son. How she talked about the children at school and how passionate she felt about her job. There was no denying that she meant the world to him but he knew he had to make sacrifices so that she could be happy. He knew that they would be better off without him. And now without Joan, there was nothing holding him back from finding a new home in London.

The bed shifted as he felt Louisa roll over next to him. He looked over at her and smiled slightly, she looked so peaceful. She had been running herself ragged with the baby since Joan passed, not wanting Martin to overwork himself during this hard time. He hadn't asked her to take on more, but he appreciated it. Reaching out his hand, he rubbed her back softly and sighed.

Louisa hummed in response to the contact and her eyes fluttered open. "Martin…?"

He jumped slightly and pulled his hand away. "Ah sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," he whispered.

"It's alright, I liked you rubbing my back. Why are you awake? We've both been so tired lately, you should be resting before he wakes up…" she responded, moving to rest on her side.

He shook his head and stared at his hands. "I just woke up briefly and was thinking about things."

"Is everything okay?" she asked, reaching her hand out to his and giving him a supportive squeeze.

The overwhelming feeling he had inside him grew when she asked. He had such a hard time sharing anything even when he wanted to. He couldn't keep everything inside for much longer or else he would explode.

Louisa knew something was bothering him, she could see it in his eyes. Martin always acted like he could hide everything he felt but his eyes gave everything away. She sat up next to him and looked at him. "Martin, what's going on inside that head of yours?"

"Louisa, I'm scared…" he admitted and felt his eyes begin to burn. He hated showing weakness and admitting that things got to him. Showing that weakness through crying was something he hated the most.

She was shocked by the emotions that resonated in his voice. The man in front of her looked nothing like the doctor that Port Wenn saw every day. He was breaking down. She could tell that the baby being born, Joan dying, and this new job in London was putting new pressure on him from every angle. She intertwined her fingers with his and gave him a soft smile.

"It's going to be okay." She reassured him, not fully knowing how to handle his state. Emotion like this coming from Martin was new territory for her and she didn't want to over step.

"I should have known that Joan was ill. I am a doctor, I should be able to protect the people that I care about most," he confessed.

Louisa shook her head. "You know that isn't true. You said yourself that it's hard to see these things coming. You are an excellent doctor and Joan was so proud of you for everything that you've accomplished."

"I didn't get the chance to tell her," he whispered, staring at their fingers. He took a deep breath and wondered why life was so uncertain. Everything that physically makes up one person is simple and straightforward, you can find the cause of any health problem with a few tests. But the minute you introduce another person, the new variables make situations unpredictable. The emotions involved in knowing other people made things unpredictable.

"Tell her what? That you care about her?" she asked, trying to make eye contact with him. He looked up at her and nodded, exhaling slowly. "Oh Martin, she knew. Joan knew how much she meant to you and she cared for you just as much."

Hearing those words come from Louisa, he felt a bit relieved. That was someone he had done right by. Someone who knew that he cared for her without him having to get out of his comfort zone to remind her. There was so much more that he questioned about this new stage in his life but he didn't know how to tell Louisa about them. He knew that if he didn't open up about them tonight, he would never get around to it. He wouldn't know how to reach out and be vulnerable like this again.

Louisa watched him think and saw him relax slightly. Leaning her head against his shoulder, she thought about what life would be like once he moved to London. Would she be able to survive without his support? Could she really let him go? Would their son grow up okay without a father? She wished she had enough confidence in herself to say yes. She was terrified of doing this alone and she wasn't able to run from her problems like she usually did.

"I'm scared too, Martin," she whispered against his shoulder and saying it aloud made her eyes fill with tears.

He turned his head and looked at her with his big, puppy dog eyes. She didn't notice the dampness of his cheeks before. She had never seen Martin cry before and for some reason, she doubted that he could. Seeing the sadness in his eyes made her forget about any line that she might have drawn between them. She wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her head on his chest, crying softly as she felt his arms pull her closer.

Martin kissed her head and sighed. If it were any other night, this moment would be awkward for him. He would feel out of place trying to comfort Louisa. But tonight he had already shown enough weakness that it didn't matter anymore. Tonight they were working together to find solid ground.

"I'm sorry that I am so distant, Louisa. I'm sorry I have such a hard time knowing what to say to you. Every time I see that I've let you down, I wish that I were someone different. I wish that I was someone who gave you what you deserve." He whispered, rubbing her back again.

She wasn't sure how to respond. She had spent so much time trying to fit Martin into her ideal world that she didn't spend enough time understanding what made Martin who he is. She had a hard time taking the blame for any of the things that had happened between them even though she knew it wasn't all his fault.

She swallowed hard and prepared herself to speak but he spoke again. "I'm so scared that I won't make you happy. That even if I were to change and be better, I would still push you away. I stopped believing in being open with people a long time ago but with you, I wish that I could be. I want to give you everything that you want Louisa. I want to be the man that makes you happy because you make me so damn happy. I let you leave on the day of our wedding because I was scared that I'd never make you happy. I was scared we would become like my parents and be stuck unhappy together. I'm more scared of being like my parents now that we have our son. I don't think that I could live with myself if I disappoint him the way that I've disappointed you."

He was crying again now, Louisa could hear the change in his breathing. She reluctantly pulled away from him in order to see his face. "Martin, you are nothing like your parents. Despite your best efforts to hide your emotions from others, I see how much you care. You run yourself ragged for this village. You are not like your parents because you have a heart." She took a deep breath and moved her hands up to his face, wiping at his tears. "You are a great father and you will always be one. People are allowed to make mistakes, whether they are parents or not. I am not worried about how great you'll be with our son. Yes, there are some things that we both need to learn but good parenting starts with love. You love our son, don't you?"

Martin nodded. He knew he had never loved anything more than the baby boy that was asleep across the room. She let her hands fall from his face and to his shoulders. There was more she wanted to say but the words weren't forming in her mind. Yes, they'd had their problems but that didn't change how she felt about him. That didn't change the fact that she felt safe with him and that she didn't want to be without him. Right now, their relationship was up in the air but she didn't mind because he was there. Every night, he was there and it made finding sleep easier for her.

When he told her that he was moving to London, she felt like she had been kicked in the gut. He wasn't supposed to leave. He was the one person she always expected to stay. When she'd walked away from him the day of their not-wedding, she had left her heart with him. It took all the courage in the world for her to say goodbye. She had been so nervous to marry him because she thought he run just like her mother had. She thought that she would be too much for him and at the same time, not enough.

Coming back to his surgery and seeing a woman with him had confirmed that fear. How was he able to live without her when she had spent months in London heartbroken over him? Now, she knew that Edith wasn't someone Martin had interest in but she still worried. Perhaps that's why she had kept such a strong line drawn between them. She thought that if she kept Martin at a distance, there was no way for him to hurt her again. If she pushed him out of her life then he wouldn't be given a choice on whether or not to leave her behind.

She lowered her hands to his before speaking, "Martin, you haven't disappointed me. If anything, I have disappointed myself. I have ran every time that things got difficult for us and I haven't been as honest with you as I should have been."

Martin watched her face as she talked and felt anxious to know what she was thinking. He gave her hands a squeeze to urge her to continue.

"I think that part of the reason I always find a reason to run from you is because I am scared that you'll end up running from me. I would rather leave you than give you the power to leave me. I've put so much blame on you that I failed to realize that I have things I need to change too. I've been too hard on you and I apologize for that. I've let my fear of not being enough for you, not being smart enough for you, get to me. But, Martin, living in London without you was one of the hardest things I have ever done." She stopped talking and glanced up at him. His eyes searched hers, wondering if this was real.

"Martin, you make me feel safe and happy. Sometimes, we have to put a lot of effort into our relationship but it's worth it in the end. I missed being with you so much and I don't know if I can do it again," she admitted, finding relief in saying the words aloud. "I don't want you to doubt how much you mean to me."

She looked up at him finally and found that he looked just as relieved as she felt. "I missed you too, Louisa." He whispered, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her lips. "And you are more than enough for me."

He didn't know what he would do about London or how he would manage to break down his walls but he knew that he would never leave Louisa like her parents did. He would never let her forget that he would do anything for her.

"I love you," Louisa stated, pulling him into an embrace. She hoped that Martin knew that she would always love and care for him. No matter what they went through, she would always find a home in him.

"And I love you," he replied, hoping that this closeness between them would always last.


End file.
